What to feel on the last day of 2019?
All my thoughts and feelings weeks or days ago have gone overdue and process-halted. Actually, they’re all just piling up in my mind. The last night I was talking to my friends at a café, I admitted to them, and to myself, that I am the kind of a person who slowly processes ideas and feelings. I carry the burden of processing every day, everywhere. There’s a seventy percent of chance that a realization would finally hit me in the most unexpected time and place—say, washing the dishes.
Last time, also while washing the dishes, I had a forming stand about my way and definition of love in mind. It was my answer to what Christel, one of the friends at the café, told us, “Hanga ako sa mga marurupok,”
Yes, she’s referring to me and to our another friend.
“It means you’re not afraid to love.”
Saying that, bigla kaming naging proud na marupok kami. You’re not afraid of taking the risk and for giving your all for the sake of love, she added. Being marupok has had an unlikable connotation to this generation but the late night conversation we had shed a good lighting at its 2019 definition.
So lately I was suddenly reminded of how I love the idea of loving in many ways and what love really is for me.
First love realization: Our “first love” isn’t just someone we first felt the butterflies in our stomach and first saw our face turn red as a tomato. I think every time we fall in love, it always feels the first time; it’s always our another first love. In my realization, we never love a person the same way we loved someone from the past. There may have been some changes in our ways of showing it and saying it as we go deeper in the depths of love’s complicated structure. When pain enters, we always are guided to the way of healing or moving on no matter how much we deny it at first. As we continue entering to another (hopefully the lasting one) relationship, we tend to be either ‘more’ or ‘less’ because we have learned. So we have calculated another kind of love approach, with more caution this time, and it would be our first time to love this way.
You know what? Funny thing is ginoo helped me realize this. In our conversation that happened long time ago, he left me with a question na, “is it necessary to love the person now the same way you loved your past? I mean why compare the feelings you felt before from what you’re feeling now. Magkaibang tao kasi sila.” (this situation is just another story to tell)
I found myself pondering about that idea.
Now I’m somehow getting the point of it; then believing it.
Second love realization: We would really take the risk of loving and hurting if we think that the person is worth it. Because of our intensifying feelings, we begin to accept that any pain given by fate will just be bearable.
As for me, I would still continue the feelings I’m having until the last thought saying that “he’s worth it” finally wears off. I just can’t get a perfect control of my feelings. Also, I believe that there will always be a main reason behind this emotional struggle. I’ll just let it; and let God help me. Lahat naman ng tao ay kamahal-mahal anyway. Hindi naman ako madamot sa pagmamahal.
Third love realization: I’m hurting so much because I didn’t love myself first. I was busy giving it all out that I forgot about me. I have grown fragile.
All have been wishing and promising self-love this new year, and I believe I should gift myself one. Tama na ang pagdadamot sa sarili. Tama na ang pagpapapagod sa sarili nang sobra. Having self-love is important and that I deserve the kind of love I wished for. Maybe it’s just not the right time to focus on it.
Maybe.
So what should I feel in December 31’s 4:00 AM vibes? I’m still full of thoughts, half-baked convictions, 22:20 alarm rejections, 23:11 wishes, and unexpected outlines for writings.