One night, she cried so much. The next days and weeks, she hardly even accepted what the reality was showing her.
It's been few months since that night happened. Last night, she prayed fervently for every single ache she's been carrying. She prayed for him. She prayed for herself and gave it all to Him. Yet today's encounter was not what she was expecting. It's...
...him — her ginoo.
It just felt like yesterday for her. Everything and every pain.
After abruptly having no communication at all, waking up in the morning with endless regrets and feeling of emptiness, and trying to look forward to the days with different sets of choices, she had to stay strong for herself.
Not so long ago, she still had so many questions in mind. Those why's, how's, and what if's to her most favorite who. Every day at work and every night in bed, she remained loyal to her routine of viewing the flashbacks and blaming herself.
What went wrong? Why did she say that? Why did he say that?
Why accept and quickly let go?
What the hell was all of that for? Those freakin' exchange of sweet, encouraging words and sharing of a unique bond?
And she was trying to look at all possible sides and point of views of their almost - fairytale story. Then she gave it all up! All the thinking and pain she has been carrying for months. She grew tired of being so fragile towards her emotions. Finally, she began to seek for her inner peace and self-love until this day came.
She saw him and it really had to be in the most unexpected time of which she thought she was gonna be okay.
She saw him first who was walking towards her 3 o'clock direction. Although in shock, she managed to quickly catch his pace and walked beside him. She was on his left side, and what she did next was poke him lightly.
"Uy," he said, maybe realizing it was her... after few months of not seeing each other.
But this binibini just walked straight without looking back at him. She was happy to see him, but also pained. She was hoping for more, but she was afraid.
And come to think of it, this scenario also happened few days after her most hated night. She was studying for her entrance exam somewhere in her alma mater, then later on she was poked by someone who just passed by. It was him, walking away from her. Not looking back.
Now, it's the same pattern.
"Kinalabit ko siya dahil ayaw kong tinatalikuran [niya] ako. Kinalabit ko siya dahil gusto kong mapansin niya ako. Ayaw kong maka-feel uli ng rejection. Kinalabit ko siya para makita niya naman ako sa harap niya at maramdaman niya kung ano naramdaman ko."
This encounter shook her wholly. Now, she wonders again. But she is still reminded that she must love herself before offering her vulnerable heart in another battle. Read the previous blog under February Blog Series: #1 She Who Smiles A Lot, Also Cries A Lot